i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
