He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
