Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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