If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
