is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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