Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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