hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
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