did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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