I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
