Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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