I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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