then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Randomize
