Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Randomize
