i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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