ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
bring money and cleavage
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
