I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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