On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
She just used a chaser for red wine.
he fucked my hip out of place.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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