Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
