I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Randomize
