One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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