If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
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