he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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