what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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