he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
FUCK WHALES
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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