My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
