so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
