I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Randomize
