How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
