the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
