you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
