yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
