hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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