the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
