hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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