Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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