'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
