ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
