I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Boobs are out for the taking
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
