He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
