I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
