Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
