My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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