I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
