My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
