saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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