you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
