You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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