i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
