awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
