My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
