sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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