He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
