Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
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