I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
