I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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