We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
