I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Randomize
