my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Randomize
