he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
